Military tactics of the narcissist
If you found yourself a prisoner of war, would you be happy? Would you sleep dreamily in your cell or tent and wonder how you got so lucky? If you found the door open and no guard on duty, would you stay inside, thanking your lucky stars?
Of course, no.
Emotional abuse in a relationship is a covert form of abuse. In fact, it is the same psychological warfare that is used in military prison camps. Do you think that is exaggerated? Think again. Guards in prisoner of war camps know that physical compliance is difficult. It requires physical effort, and besides, it is messy. Therefore, they often choose the easier path… one in which the prisoner not only agrees, but complies with all demands.
How do they do that? Through manipulation and emotional abuse, used to control, degrade, humiliate, and punish. It is meant to make the victim question all of her thoughts and behaviors. It includes the use of acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics to cause emotional distress. How about this for the unsuspecting victim? Here are some common tactics used, along with what they look like in the real life application (this is not complete):
Isolation from friends and family.
This tactic is used to deprive the victim of social support, weaken her defenses, and make the victim dependent on her abuser. At first, this may seem innocent. Some common comments from the narcissist include: “I get lonely when you’re not here”; “I wish you would spend more time with me.” “I don’t have a good feeling about your friend, _____.”; “You’re a friend, ____, he doesn’t seem to like it.”
These comments then become: “You’re a prostitute, just like your friend, ____”; ‘Everyone knows that you and your friends are trash’; ‘Are you in a lesbian relationship with your friend, ____?’
Humiliation
Put-down is when a person uses words, silence, or actions to threaten, belittle, or humiliate another person. The purpose is to instill fear or intimidate; the goal is to control. It can occur when you are alone, or in the presence of company. Common phrases used by the narcissist include: “I think we should go on a diet”; “How come you don’t take care of yourself as much as before?”; “Why don’t you do your hair like your friend, ____?”; “Have you ever thought about plastic surgery?”
Later, more hurtful comments will be used, such as: “You’re fat and I can’t stand looking at you”; “I’m not attracted to you anymore”; “You can’t do anything right”; “I knew you weren’t smart”; “You will always be a loser”; “Not even your own family loves you”; “People tried to warn me about you”
Occasional rewards/treats
The random crumbs that the narcissist gives give the false appearance that they are pleased with you and also give the illusion of a normal relationship. This tactic is used to provide positive motivation for continued compliance. This can come in the form of praise: “You look great today”; “That dinner was very nice because I was sitting in front of you”; “You are the only person I want to spend my life with”; “I know I hurt you and I’m sorry”; “Let’s go to that new restaurant downtown”
Later: “You’re lucky I put up with your shit”; “Nobody would tolerate you like me”; “No wonder none of his relationships have been successful”; “The only reason anyone would want you is for sex”; “You owe me because I ____”; “You have no dignity”; “You deserve what happens to you”
Not meeting emotional or other needs (especially if the victim is in a dependent position)
Are you a stay at home mom? Does your partner or spouse try to convince you that you don’t need to work and insist that you stay home? This maneuver is used to make you completely dependent on your abuser and allows you to retain important resources such as a cell phone plan, gas money and access to transportation, Internet/computer access, and other common conveniences.
silent treatment
The silent treatment is used as a form of punishment when the victim has tried to set a limit. The expected result of the silent treatment is he Managing our expectations so that we expect less and less and the abuser gets away with more and more. The message from him is, “Compliance, or else.”
When to consider leaving
Emotional abuse robs a person of their self-esteem, the ability to think logically, their confidence in themselves and their identity. If your partner’s actions or words have caused any of the following feelings, it’s time to consider leaving:
- Isolation from others, you rarely see friends and family.
- Excessive dependence on him/her.
- You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so your spouse doesn’t get mad.
- You just survive from day to day, unable to plan to escape the sheer mental exhaustion. Any action you take is criticized unless it is one in accordance with their wishes.
- You are depressed and anxious most of the time.
- Anything you do or say is met with anger or indifference. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse.
- You have become suicidal.
If you’ve tried therapy and set boundaries and are still being abused, it’s time to leave the relationship. At this point, the prison you see is likely your own creation based on the illusion that you need your abuser in your life. Break all ties with the narcissist, hire a lawyer, contact a domestic abuse shelter, and take advantage of their transitional housing program. Realize that you were manipulated from day one and free yourself from your prison guard.