What to do when your husband no longer loves you
Hearing that your husband no longer loves you is probably among the top three phrases you are most afraid to hear. Unfortunately, many of the wives I hear from recently have heard their husbands say these words. Sometimes the husband will admit this in the middle of an argument or fight. And sometimes he sits the wife down and tries to break the news to her as kindly as possible. I’m not sure which is worse.
The bottom line is that no matter how you say the words, hearing that he doesn’t love you anymore is not only devastating, it raises more questions than answers. Wives who contact me about this are often unsure of how to proceed. Many think that if their husband doesn’t love them anymore, then there really is nothing they can do but try to end the marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Although this situation is very difficult, I have seen it change countless times. Just because your husband said something in the heat of the moment doesn’t always make it true. And, even if it is, I’ve seen the right strategy make even reluctant husbands “fall in love again.” I will discuss this further in the next article.
Know that although you may well think or say that you no longer love you, your statement is not necessarily a reality: Your husband may be serious about every word you say and not even trying to cheat on you. But sometimes, you project the problems you are having in other areas of your life where it is convenient and there, like your marriage. This is called projection and it is very common. This does not mean that you are happy with your marriage or that it is perfect. In fact, the fact that he says he doesn’t love you often reflects his dissatisfaction with the way the marriage is going (at least lately).
But there is a big difference between being frustrated and wanting to get a reaction and actually stopping loving yourself. Many women will go to great lengths to get to “the truth” about this or to define how it “really feels.” They will tease your husband to define the degree to which he does not love them or constantly ask if he is changing his mind. The truth is, it’s generally better to use this as a wake-up call and take action than to worry so much about specific definitions or clarifications.
Don’t assume that her “I no longer love you” statement means the marriage is over: Many of the wives who write leave me in their marriage shortly after hearing these words. They think that if their husband doesn’t love them, the next logical step is to go ahead and let him go or get a divorce. The thing is, the wife still loves him and we’re still not sure how he really feels, as things are still explosive and fresh. There is no reason to give up until it is clear that you have to. Frankly, it’s probably still in the early stages and things could really turn out either way.
I have seen countless marriages recover from this and have seen many men “fall in love again” with their wives as soon as those same wives started handling this properly. A hurtful statement (which was probably intended to provoke a reaction) doesn’t have to spell the end of your marriage. You can change this, but change cannot happen if you just give up or get so discouraged that you take no action.
Getting a husband to “fall in love again” with his wife: Even if we assume that the husband was 100% accurate in what he said, this does not mean that you cannot “be in love” again at your marriage. People seem to constantly want to reflect on whether they are in love with their spouse. You probably hear from wives whose husband has told them that they love them but are not “in love” with them almost on a daily basis.
And most people assume that when one of the spouses falls out of love, there is really nothing that either spouse can do about it. Not only is an assumption like this false, it can spell the end of your marriage when it is not necessary.
To understand how people can fall in love again, you need to understand why they fell in love in the first place. People assume it is some kind of chemical or fate reaction, and while these things can play into the equation, there are also many other things that go into “falling in love.” What attracts one person to another is quite individual, but it is when the relationship is new and both people behave in the best way and dedicate their time and effort to the relationship when the “infatuation” occurs.
And once it does, people assume it will never end, and after getting married, it’s easy to become complacent and take these things for granted. Once you are married and have to handle all your commitments and obligations, it makes sense that you can no longer spend the time and effort that you used to spend on your spouse.
This is completely normal and happens in most of the marriages that I see. But it is also very damaging to that same marriage and is the most common reason people assume that they no longer love their spouse. The good news is that once you change your priorities and time allocations, feelings will often change as well. As soon as you change your priorities to become the spouse you would like yourself to be, that’s when you see people “fall in love” again. Understand that most men want to feel understood, appreciated, and wanted. If you can meet these needs in a genuine way, you may see those feelings of love return.
The chemistry hasn’t necessarily changed. No one has sprinkled magic or fairy dust on the relationship. But what you put in is directly proportional to what you take out. And the feelings that flow from it are usually directly proportional to the efforts you put into it. Understanding this is the first step in returning love in your marriage.