Gay, single and I love it!
Introduction
We live in a society that places great value and expectations on being in a relationship, and singles are often stigmatized for being single. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as incapable of developing and maintaining lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and inferiority, a sense that there is something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, excessive focus and worry about your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging move if one’s dating practices are carried out out of desperation rather than conscious intent).
For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, vacations, weddings, lonely moments, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and dissatisfaction with loneliness. What these types of single gay men need most is reassurance and the recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformative times of their lives if they choose to. This article will validate the positives of being single and offer some suggestions for getting the most out of your single life.
The benefits of being single
Singleness is the time in your life when you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do what you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish and adventurous because there can be fewer commitments and more time to spend on the things you want to do; you can make your life whatever you want it to be, since you are completely in “the driver’s seat”. You have the ability to get in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and you can choose and make important decisions without having to consider another or having to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with someone else’s clothes or annoying nuances and you don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) may have more emphasis as there is less competition for your focus and attention.
More importantly though, being single puts you in the ideal position to cultivate yourself and reach your full potential as an individual. It is an opportunity for self-exploration and investment in your own personal growth and development. It is also an ideal time to learn what it takes to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to safely experiment with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It is fertile ground for learning who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”: “Being single would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, learn responsibility and self-sufficiency, identify our true desires and confront our inner strengths and demons, a time to make changes in the things that get in the way of our enjoyment and progress in life, to learn to connect and communicate on all levels. I would be so confident in relationship training necessary”. (1)
Action Steps to Navigate Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singleness to promote positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.
1. Create a checklist of single opportunities and start living them!
2. Start a journal about your singleness and what it means to you. Answer the following questions:
or Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
or What do I want from being single?
o What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are keeping me from embracing this moment in my life?
o How do I contribute to my own dissatisfaction with being single? How do I sabotage myself?
Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire to be in a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.
3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and develop goals to overcome them.
4. Develop affirmation cards. Take some index cards and write positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals on the cards. Read them to yourself every day to start internalizing the messages. Alternatively, place the cards in a jar, and in moments of loneliness or depression, refer to the cards for quick encouragement.
5. Identify the things you’ve always wanted to do or try, but never took the time to find or learn. To take action.
6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause that is important to you, commit to health and wellness. Live your life to the fullest! Make it count!
Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for personal growth, fun, and preparation for your life partner when you finally meet him or her. Take advantage of this pivotal time in your life to achieve your life goals, improve your self-esteem, overcome any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and develop your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend doesn’t take away problems you may already have in your life. Cherish this time in your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person by your relationship status.
The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences into our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. The negativity of being single will only reflect, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it to be the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment with your life vision and purpose. Cheers to becoming a successful bachelor!
(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keep the love you find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.
© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that leads them to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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