Biblical Forgiveness and Reconciliation in Relationships

Because what is a perennial topic in life, which just so happens to be beautifully covered in the Bible, the topics of forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships are literally tired and worn.

Are there many people who are not affected by relationships that have gone wrong? Are there many people who are not inhibited by ongoing strained relationships? Isn’t there already a large percentage of people who struggle to forgive family members and best friends who have done the dirty? Aren’t there already so many people, including us, who have already hurt others beyond repair? And lastly, are there many people who still don’t feel evasive when they enter even a shopping mall? To what extent do broken relationships represent stress in our lives? And why is it that some broken relationships can never be reconciled at least to the point of peace to put the past in the past?

These are the perennial problems that remain unsolved in most of our lives.

Conflict is so common in life that it doesn’t matter who you talk to; a school student, a resident of a nursing home, a worker, people within the church, even those who have been close for years. And the role of that closeness can further polarize betrayal and despair. The deeper our relationship with a person, the more pain we experience when the relationship is torn apart by conflict. And it is likely that only in these types of relationships, if both parties are polarized and there is a central wound, reconciliation can seem like a bridge too far. There has to be humility in one or both to have a ‘fighting’ chance in restoration.

As you read this article, you are surely thinking of one particular relationship that has turned pear-shaped. One that you regret or still bothers you about, or maybe examples of both. And these, as you reflect, have consumed much of your time and mental and emotional energy, not to mention theirs.

conflict costs; it costs an incredible amount; It costs much more than we often realize.

But what price are we willing to pay for peace?

So how are we going to fight within the confines of the conflict, biblically speaking? This assumes, of course, that what the Bible says is important to us, because we are espoused followers of Jesus.

I cannot ignore the PeaceWise principles that I have been taught and now have the privilege of teaching. They work in most situations where one or both parties are willing to attempt reconciliation.

Where it is questionable whether these principles apply is in the situation of abuse. In situations of abuse, it is doubtful that anything restorative can work until the person involved in the abuse has done significant work of repentance.

So the first question to ask in terms of biblical forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships is about the fairness of the relationship; Is there an equal yoke to work? Sometimes there simply isn’t, and wisdom dictates that reconciliation means, in such cases, that it should be accepted as it is. This, while it feels unfortunate, is the best outcome when the relationship has become so toxic that it will remain unworkable. Sometimes this is the case, and mature people accept it. They accept and move on.

PeaceWise teaches Ken Sande’s material from The Peacemaker. In Matthew 5:9 Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.’ Those interested in biblical forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships will see themselves as peacemakers. On the contrary, if we consider ourselves children of God, we will see ourselves called to be peacemakers.

Peacemakers engage in what is called the 4Gs:

1. They do what it takes to glorify God, which often means maintaining a loving, merciful, and forgiving attitude. They understand that the nature of faith in terms of relationships is about our vertical relationship with God first and our horizontal relationships with others second. Every time we get our vertical relationship right, the horizontal relationship is naturally established. We must continue to return to the vertical, to our mission to glorify God in everything we do.
2. Instead of blaming others or resisting correction, they are experts at taking the plank out of his own eye. They take responsibility for their own sin and tend not to focus on what others have done wrong. And they stay in this healthy place of self-examination and self-determination toward reconciliation.
3. Instead of pretending the conflict doesn’t exist, they brush off offenses minor enough to forgive without confrontation, or politely confront the person they’re in conflict with in order to gently restoring them.
4. And there is courage in a fourth step, which seeks go and reconcile to the point where we don’t accept commitment because it feels too difficult to confront or we don’t accept when a relationship is offered the chance to die. To go and reconcile is to commit to the relationship for its most complete restoration. To go and be reconciled is to believe that all relationships can experience reconciliation, as far as it depends on us.

When we face our failures and confess them, we open our guilt-ridden hearts, acknowledge the power of pain, and acknowledge our need for forgiveness. By doing this, we resist trying to deal with our own guilt; ignoring it, rationalizing it, or simply running away from it.

The search for forgiveness is the relational wisdom that is concerned with reconciliation with the other.

Giving forgiveness, as received, is a miraculous gift of grace that should never be taken for granted.

Guilt prevents us from experiencing forgiveness and can even prevent us from being free to forgive. Guilt tends to suck the life out of us, leaving us feeling empty and useless. Guilt is a great cancer of relational efficacy, even when we lack the relationship with ourselves that would be a trusting springboard into a viable relationship with others.

The person who can forgive himself, reconciling his guilt, is the person who can forgive others. This person is spiritually rich within a material world.