Why manners matter

“…the principle of civil reciprocity is strong, so it is a matter of utter and overwhelming consternation that it appears to be on the verge of disappearing.” Lynne Truss fumes on the wonderful and impetuous bestseller of her, Talk to the hand #?*! The total bloody rudeness of today’s world, or six good reasons to stay home and lock the door.

“Shut up mom!” a three-year-old girl yells from her position in the shopping cart. “This is all there is?” asks a six-year-old boy, as he unhappily selects a lollipop from the bounty bag just given to him by her teacher. “I was going to invite my friend Jordan, but he couldn’t come, so I had to invite you…” a 13-year-old boy wails to a classmate, chewing a huge bite of a sandwich… with open mouth…

“I don’t want to set her up for a party, maybe I could make her look at me and stop texting for a moment, when I ask her about her day?” says sixth grade Stephanie’s dad.

People are mourning the loss of the label. The search term that brings the most people to my parenting blog, day after day, year after year, is “kid manners.” Parents want their children to have good manners, and they themselves would like to be treated with dignity and respect… maybe even a little deference.

Children are children and are expected to say outrageous things. from time to time. The days of “children should be seen and not heard” are long gone. However, children need to be trained not only to place their napkins in their laps, but also to be aware that they are members of a large global society. As the business credit card says, “Membership has its privileges.” Membership also has its responsibilities, the greatest responsibility, valuing other members.

If children are not displaying good manners, it is not a huge exaggeration to assume that parents are not teaching or modeling good manners. A father, displaying rude manners, gives his son the green light to use rude manners; Dad might even think it’s funny when his kid misbehaves in public. The problem is that we (instructors, teachers, coaches, admissions officers, and bosses) don’t find the child’s behavior amusing, and we (instructors, teachers, coaches, admissions officers, and bosses) quickly overlook it. Unfortunately, the rude boy never had a chance; his father stuff your behavior, and the consequences of that behavior, for him.

Why don’t parents teach manners if they would like their children to use them and know that their children must exhibit good manners to be successful?

It seems from the many parents I interviewed that parents today aren’t very interested in being the “bad boy” for their children. Parents want their children to have manners, but they shudder at correcting their children’s misbehavior. “I hate coming home from work after not seeing my kids all day and having to start disciplining their behavior; I’d rather just goof around with them.”

Other parents did not receive manners training, so teaching their children manners is not an option. “I feel at a great disadvantage. I was not taught manners as a child and feel very uncomfortable in certain social situations. I struggle at business events because, I hate to admit it, I am not very tactful, sometimes without realizing I blurt out some stupid and completely inappropriate comment. I just don’t know where to begin to teach him a better way to behave.”

It’s not uncommon to hear parents today say that their children are “gifted,” “brilliant,” “proving genius,” or possessing “perfect pitch.” Maybe these parents are so busy pointing out the good that it’s hard to see the not so good? Maybe these parents are afraid that if they say something that is considered negative or critical, they will harm the psyche of their children? Perhaps pointing out a child’s “not-so-great” behavior makes the parent look “not-so-great”?

Many people hypothesize the reasons behind (according to the subtitle of Lynn Truss’s book), “The absolute damn rudeness of the world today.” Perhaps the trend is a consequence of high divorce rates, the rise of single-parent households, the large number of two working parents, political correctness, video games, the media, the Internet, the pornography of society. .maybe a combination from the list? But is the question even relevant? None of these “possible causes” will go away any time soon.

It then becomes our job as parents to accept the culture as it is today and teach our children good manners. Arming our children with manners and values ​​allows them the opportunity to make good decisions when faced with the curve balls that “the world” will inevitably throw at them.

Respecting and valuing others, developing high integrity, and putting others at ease are probably the key reasons society practices good manners. Manners make us feel comfortable with those we meet. Manners make us feel safe around complete strangers.

It would be anxiety-inducing, to say the least, if there were no rules of social etiquette. What if, while browsing through a coat rack in the mall, it was perfectly acceptable for the stranger browsing next to us, coveting the discount top we got first, to punch us in the jaw and knock us to the ground by the garment? ? How often would we go to the mall?

It’s good that social standards have been relaxed in the last 75 years. Rigidity and strict rules do not fit in today’s world. Aprons, party favors, white gloves, dessert spoons, sipping tea from saucers, and pillbox hats seem out of place in most social circles. But the basic tenets of etiquette still stand strong and true.

Good table manners, pleasant conversation skills, appropriate dress, and the use of tact are social graces that make interaction with others easy and enjoyable. Etiquette rules that encompass the goals of respecting and valuing others, having high integrity, and making others feel at ease make it easy to live together. It’s hard to argue with the merit of good etiquette.

Not teaching children manners and failing them. Without proper manners training, children will be faced with uncomfortable situations as they mature, likely limiting their chances of success. We want our children to be participating members of a challenging and exciting civil society. The last thing parents want for their children is for them to “stay home and close the door.”