My husband says he doesn’t like me anymore: tips and advice that can help

Last night I received an email from a wife who wrote in part: “after a fight my husband told me that although he loves me because I am the mother of his children and his wife, he does not like me that much. He says I am not the type of person that he would choose as a friend or partner and that if we met today, he would not even go out with me, much less marry me. How am I supposed to answer this? “How can we get married if my own husband doesn’t like me? “I’ll tell you how I responded to this in the next article.

Understanding projection:I explained to the wife that probably part of what her husband said could be attributed to the projection. What I mean by that is that often, in the heat of a fight, people don’t mean exactly what they’re saying. And just as often, they project issues and problems in other areas of their life onto people who are the most convenient targets. In this case, that was his wife.

For example, maybe your husband had a fight with his boss that day. Perhaps he had felt pressured by another member of the family. Perhaps he was in a very bad mood. All of these things can manifest in a fight with a spouse that ends with him projecting his feelings on the subject to his wife. (“I don’t like my job” becomes “I don’t like you”).

See the underlying truth: That said, there is often a grain of truth to some of these statements that seem to come out without the benefit of editing. Usually when a husband says he doesn’t like you, what he really means is one of the few things. He may not like the person you become when the two of you fight. The normally sweet and calm person you are attracted to is suddenly gone and this new person appears to have fangs and claws. However, his normally independent and strong wife becomes tearful and clingy at any criticism.

Sometimes he is trying to tell you that there are changes in the marriage or in your personality that he would rather not see and this is very common even in relatively good marriages. I can’t tell you how many husbands tell me they feel like they were sold a list of goods when they were dating. Because in their minds, they were dating a vibrant, exciting, caring woman who had an easy laugh. But today they are married to a critical and nagging person who sometimes looks a lot like his mother. And no, they don’t “like” this at all.

So keep in mind that when he says he doesn’t like you, he often really means that he doesn’t like the way the marriage is going, that he misses the intimacy, and that he misses the woman who used to love and respect him. (and her) enough to show you the best version of herself on a regular basis.

Being happy instead of being right: Often when I say this to women, most will admit that they see the point I am trying to make, but that they think none of this is fair. They’ll say things like, “Well, I don’t like him too much right now. He’s not the person I married either. Why is this always my problem? Why am I the one to blame?”

These concerns are absolutely valid. No, it is not entirely fair and yes, it also has some flaws. But keeping score will get you nowhere. You could argue that you are right and he is wrong and you may be absolutely right, but at the end of the day, will debating this point really make you happier or closer to your spouse? Will it improve your marriage and intimacy?

Always be aware of what you really want. For most people, this means feeling loved, understood, and appreciated. Everybody wants to be close to someone else. We all want to feel that our spouse not only likes us, but also loves us. So if this requires you to give a little bit, to stop debating who is right and who is wrong, and to show your husband some of the qualities that he likes and loves most about you, isn’t this a problem? small price to pay for your peace of mind or happiness?